Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Atheist wishes all a Happy Christmas

The eldest of the Bondie household has used his Christmas Facebook status message to spread good wishes to all regardless of religion, personal beliefs and life choices.

The Archwizard of Maidenhead, David Bond, said Christmas was "lovely" and a "time for friendliness".

Speaking to the congregation of Christmas Day iPhone Facebook app users, Archwizard David said miserable old duffers had no mandate to push through any laws around humbug and exclusion.

"There was no announcement in any party manifesto, no Green Paper, no statement in the Queen's Speech. And yet here we are on the verge of a "nice day" with the people we love.

"From a democratic point-of-view, it's a shambles. Awesome. Let's all stay home and warm instead. And avoid the West Coast Mainline like the plague.

"George Osbourne is shambolic," he added.

The Archwizard claimed during a "period of using their eyes", those who looked outside this morning were "7-1 against doing anything energetic today".

In the past, the Chief Daft Old Brush in England and Wales has likened committed relationships to "profound friendships".

The government launched a 12-week consultation in March on how to remain relevant when more people voted for Strictly Come Dancing than Police Comissioners. Only policemen responded, resulting in "the worst selection bias ever seen in the history of Statistics".

'Peace and Joy'

Delivering his first Christmas Day message from The Bondie Household wearing only his T-Shirt and Boxers as one of the spirited leaders of the Bondie household, The Archwizard meanwhile will acknowledge that although the vote for women has fundamentally changed the definition of "Democracy", no-one got hurt..

He will also acknowledge comments made in November, in which many said he had "lost a measure of credibility" after the Company Christmas Do.

The Archwizard will not take up the role of Master of Magdalene College, Cambridge in January
He said at the time atheists had "considerable" work to do both internally and externally to redress perceptions of arrogance and over-reliance on "science" in the eyes of both the secular and Christian communities.

"We have, to put it very bluntly, a complete lack of explaining to do," he added.

More positively, he will also cite 2011 census data which showed a 46% decline in the number of Britons who still view themselves as Jedi when compared to 2001.

The Archwizard has also listed some of the people he has had the "privilege" to meet during the past year in his sermon.

He has paid tribute to his lovely friends and family and has acknowledged their "willingness to explore the new humanity of forgiveness and rebuilding relations" despite their own suffering at knowing him.

"These are the ones who look, as if at a raving lunatic but without actually pointing and laughing," he added.

David, along with his lovely wife, the Chief Bondy Mummy, are not going to "live tweet" their Christmas ramblings on the micro-blogging site Twitter, as it is "pretty much a dead duck" technology-wise and "utterly pointless".

They are expected to be joined by around 3 billion Church members also not tweeting on Christmas morning.

Happy Christmas everyone - children are awake now... Please switch off your gadgets...

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